Re-Introduction

Hello! Long time, no see! It’s been five years since my last post, and seven years since I regularly posted. But I’ve missed it here. I’ve been feeling the itch to write again. Blogging (in this form) no longer seems to be in fashion, having moved to social media. And I have noticed that Substack seems to be the current place to be, though there are a litany of ethical reasons to avoid it. As such, I’ve decided to return here, with a bit of a rebrand (a new era, as it were…)

Aside from all of that, I thought that I should keep posts regarding current updates in one spot, instead of strewn across various social media platforms. As such, it seemed like a good idea to return to this space. 

As a bit of an introduction to anyone new to this space, I started this blog way back in 2010 to document a three-month backpacking trip I was taking around Europe. I updated it “on the road”, writing posts in train cars, hostels, and cafes to keep friends and family updated on my whereabouts and share photos. And now I have it as a nice little keepsake/time capsule of the trip. As I mentioned, this type of long-form blogging was a bit more fashionable in the early twenty-tens, so I kept it up. I shared my experiences with anxiety and panic disorder throughout 2011, and in 2012, when I moved to London, England, for a two-year OE/ Working Holiday, I wrote about that experience here. Around those topics, I continued to post about miscellaneous travel, fandom adventures, and life in general. In doing this, I found an outlet of expression that I had always craved, but never experienced before. A way to let out my thoughts in a way that others could understand. I am self-aware enough to look back and see that some of what I shared was cringy and came across as attention seeking (and in some instances, I will admit that it likely was – This is something I have been addressing in therapy!), but overall I came to discover that writing allowed me the freedom and control to assert myself, to be open and vulnerable, in a way that worked for me. I also discovered through this that I was able to explain my experiences (particularly those around mental health) in a way that allowed people who had not had those same experiences to better understand what it is like. Over time, I also received messages from people who had similar experiences, making new friends and building a lovely little community.

Why now?

Well, life took some unexpected turns over the last several years (I’ll get into that shortly), and I have found myself feeling lonely and in need of some kind of reconnection with the world at large. The idea to come back here arose about two years ago, but I struggled with the purpose of doing so.

And then one day I was listening to the podcast The Cool Table, and the hosts were discussing their experiences of leaving evangelicalism. Amy and Beth, so succinctly, put into words what I’d been struggling to articulate:

“I want to be understood.”

This hit me hard. I’ve always struggled to feel understood, and this has only intensified in the past few years. But when I wrote these blogs, all those years ago, I felt understood. And I would like to try to feel that again, in some small way. 

Catching Up

For those not new to this space, who are receiving this in their inbox after five years of complete radio silence, and seven years of minimal updates. Here’s a quick summary of life since then:

2017

In 2016, just a couple of months shy of my 30th birthday, I met the love of my life, Meighan, so much of 2017 was spent in previously unknown happiness as that love continued to blossom and grow. (Sorry, it turns out I’ve become a hopeless sap about love. Gross, I know.) We moved in together (insert Uhaul joke here…), adopted a chunky tuxedo cat named Simon, and built the foundation of a pretty fantastic life.

2017 also brought a lot of travel:

February – London and Paris (solo trip, spent catching up with friends)

March – Los Angeles (with my mom and gramma. Gramma wanted to go and visit two good friends who live there, so mom and I offered to take her.)

May – Los Angeles (with Meighan to celebrate her 30th birthday)

July – Los Angeles again (my friend Katie invited me, and I can’t resist a travel invite)

December – London (another solo trip, prompted by a massive airline credit given following a cancelled flight connection during my February trip.)

And 2017 brought my first job in my professional field (non-profit project management)! I started a one-year contract with the provincial volunteer network where I oversaw the implementation and provincial expansion of a massive professional development training program based around the update of a federal Code for Volunteer Involvement. This position proved to be the perfect foundation for the years to come.

2018

Another busy year followed in 2018. 

In January Meighan and I got engaged!

In February Meighan was in the wedding party at a destination wedding in Mexico, so we travelled to Cancun, and both had our first taste of the all-inclusive resort experience – I highly recommend it!! The wedding and the destination were both wonderful and gorgeous.

In April, to celebrate my mom’s retirement from 30 years of teaching, her and I took a celebratory trip to Florida.

That spring the contract for my previous job ended and I began a new one that summer at one that would forever change me, at a poverty reduction organization in my hometown of Niagara Falls. In that job I delivered programming to youth and adults around financial literacy, and housing. In doing this I became radicalized in Housing As A Human Right. I will now happily talk anyone’s ear off who wishes to discuss the current housing crisis. If this is a subject you wish to learn more about, I urge you to visit the Canadian Alliance to End Homelessness at https://caeh.ca/. While this particular initiative is Canadian, they offer insights and strategies that I believe to be of universal importance (example: Their recent 10 pillar approach, presented in context of the current trade war and its inevitable effect on housing.)

In September my world was shaken to its core when I nearly lost Meighan. Twice. The first time to sepsis, caused by a perforated bowel, and the second, a week later, to a massive pulmonary embolism. Thankfully, the embolism broke up, rather than continuing to grow, and Meighan recovered completely from the embolism and was discharged and back home in early October.

In late November, our beloved senior cat, Simon, passed away. He was a big, dumb goofball, who we loved so much. I know we gave him a great life in his golden years.

The year finished up without much fuss, and we roll into…

2019

As many others did that month, I spent much of January Marie Kondo-ing the house. 

In February Meighan underwent her follow up surgery, which went perfectly.

In the spring, once Meighan recovered from her surgery, wedding planning was in full effect. Now that we knew Meighan’s health issues were behind us, we were ready to confirm our date: September 28, 2019. A venue was booked, invitations sent out, caterers and cake makers met with, and outfits purchased.

In June we adopted two kittens – Templeton and Frederick (Fred Fred). We only intended to get one of them, but they were the only ones left from their litter and how could we possibly choose?

The second half of the year was pure chaos, including:

Selling our house

Buying a house

Loss of Meighan’s grandfather, her wonderful Papa

Making the heartbreaking decision to leave my job, as the funding for the programs I was overseeing ended.

Wedding

Starting a new job at another organization

Moving

Adopting a rescue dog

2020

We had a sad start to 2020, losing our beloved cat Kaylie in January. Meighan had Kaylie since she came to live with the family during her teenage years. They were together for nearly half of Meighan’s life and it was a difficult time. 

I was struggling professionally, having found myself in the worst employment experience of my life. I muddled along with the horrible aspects being balanced out by fantastic coworkers, volunteers, program leaders, clients, and organizational mission.

In early March we adopted an absolute muppet of a cat named Milhouse. He had been up for adoption for seven weeks and no one even enquired about him. As soon as Meighan picked him up, he flopped in her arms, and it was decided: We were bringing him home.

Milhouse turned out to have a massive personality, and he absolutely charmed everyone at home: The babies (Tempeton and Fred Fred) adored him, and he and Gretchen had something of a love affair, bonding almost instantly.

And, of course, we are all aware of what else March 2020 brought, so no need to get into any of that!

Spring 2020 was busy. I transitioned to working from home and worked with my colleagues to transition all of our organization’s programs and services to virtual. We were successful, but it was an exhausting experience.

Meighan made a career change.

In May we had to say goodbye to Milhouse, after only a couple of months. What we were told was a bad ear infection when we adopted him turned out to be inner ear tumours. He wasn’t with us long, but his presence will remain (he taught Templeton and Fred Fred how to open cupboard doors and how to carry large objects, both past times that they continue to enjoy.)

My nanna passed away in late fall. Due to ongoing closures, grieving looked different. 

2021

It was an uneventful start to what would become A YEAR

Early in the year I started experiencing a variety of symptoms that I thought were a relapse of my ulcerative colitis, but would discover were actually from celiac disease. It was accidentally found by a McMaster surgical resident who snuck in a biopsy during a routine endoscopy. It was confirmed with a blood test the following week. This discovery required some major and immediate life changes.

In May Meighan’s gramma (her Favourite Person) passed away. Like so many others, we had been dealing with a lot of grief in 2020-2021.

My work situation continued to worsen, culminating in the most dehumanizing and humiliating experience in my professional life (an excruciating public airing of grievances, dubbed a “wellness day”) in August, followed shortly thereafter by the onset of burnout so severe that within the span of one week I would have three doctors tell me that I needed to quit my job immediately. One of them even said to me that if I didn’t leave my job “it will kill you.” I took the statement as hyperbole at the time, but it would prove more on the nose than I could have ever imagined.

I took a leave of absence from work following these events, and spent the time off searching for a new position. Thankfully by late fall, I would receive a job offer and in December I started a new role with an organization where I felt like I could do a lot of good, and could grow my career.

These hopes would be dashed when on December 30th, on a Thursday evening during my second week at the new job, I would experience a massive and devastating hemorrhagic stroke. Oh, and it was my birthday!

2022

The first 104 days of 2022 would be spent hospitalized, undergoing brain surgery and recovery, plus intensive inpatient stroke rehabilitation, where I would relearn how to walk and use my left side (My brain bleed was on the right side and brainstem, resulting in left side paralysis, loss of emotional/impulse control, vertigo, double vision, and cognitive impairment, to name a few. Some things got better, others never will, or will continue to be a struggle.) After several extensions in my stay, I was released from the hospital just in time for Easter,

The remainder of the year would be spent in outpatient rehab, vision rehab, with various other healthcare supports within the community. I would also learn one of the most difficult lessons of this experience: Healing isn’t linear. A misstep on my left leg turned into a sprained ankle. This sprain likely had a domino effect, which would eventually lead to the onset of spasticity. Spasticity is the shortening of muscles leading to stiffness and rigidity of the affected limb. Around the same time I coincidentally developed trigger-finger in my left hand, which had the same effect of developing into spasticity in my left arm.

Over the summer I was approached by the rehab hospital about taking part in a fundraising campaign and being an ambassador for a new annual event they were launching: Hope In Motion. We did a photoshoot and interview, posters were made, teams were assembled, and the event went off without a hitch. 

My team surrounded me on the event day, providing me with love and support. And the team has reassembled annually ever since! During the event I ended up chatting with my teammate Rose. Rose was a former work mom to Meighan, and out of that day began one of the most beautiful friendships I could ever ask for. We start going on weekly walks/adventures/coffee dates and she has become one of the dearest people in my life, and she means the absolute world to me.

2023

Over the winter I made a comment to Meighan about feeling trapped in the house, having lost the ability to drive anywhere on a whim, go out for a walk, or just leave the house without extensive planning. As a result Meighan spent the spring and summer building a deck, planning and planting gardens to beautify my world. This gesture was so incredibly meaningful.

2024

The curling of my toes worsened, affecting my mobility greatly. I began receiving regular Botox treatments in my arm and leg.

Over the summer I did my first post-stroke overnight trip! I went to Kincardine with my mom for a weekend, and was able to spend some quality time with family in a place that means a lot to all of the Bradley clan.

In the fall I returned to Shaver (rehab hospital) for another round of outpatient rehab. This round focused on using a neuro-bio-electrical stimulator on my arm and leg to help improve use, as well as doing an array of testing and training (cognitive, visual, and physical) around returning to driving. 

2025

2025 has been a good year!

After spending much of the previous fall preparing myself to get back to driving, once the snow cleared, I got behind the wheel again! It was scary, but I did it! 

In doing so I regained a massive piece of my independence back. I took myself on little dates, and for the first time in nearly four years was able to drive myself to appointments, to run errands, to meet friends or family for lunch, etc. It helped me build up my confidence, and feel the itch to try more adventures.

I gave a speech at my rehab hospital, which was terrifying and so, so meaningful. [LINK]

Over the summer I did something HUGE (both for Meighan and myself)- I traveled solo to Toronto on public transit (a two hour journey on bus and train). My friend Genievieve met me at union station, we had a lovely lunch, and then I headed home.

Over the summer and fall I would do a number of love;y trips with friends, including St. Jacob’s with Rose, and a mini cow petting experience with my friend Katie. 

In early December my best friend, Tara, drove me to Ottawa so I could visit my dear friends Laura, and Melissa, who I hadn’t seen since my wedding in 2019, resulting in my second overnight trip post-stroke! 

Also this fall, after years of treating the spasticity that we thought was causing my toes and fingers to curl, it would be discovered that it is being caused by dystonia, a neurological movement disorder, and not by spasticity, as previously thought. This has resulted in new treatment plants for both my arm and leg. 

And now as we head into 2026, I’m focused on one thing: Peace. I have spent the last decade in survival mode, and I’m ready to thrive! I started this journey in 2025 and it’s been successful. I’m actively working on achieving this goal through a variety of modalities. I won’t be reducing my focus on recovery, but simply sharing that space with peace, and learning to incorporate it all together as I continue to relearn how to live life.

From here on out this space will be focused on my journey, my insights, my processing, my experience.

Mission Statement (2025)

  1. To give myself a space to process, to share, and to be understood.
  2. Provide a space that may provide hope for other young stroke survivors and their loved ones, showing that life continues on.
  3. To advocate, in some small way, on the needs and experiences of young stroke survivors. This is an unusual experience, but one that’s becoming more common, with stroke rates for young adults (under 60) on the rise. As such, this issue needs more attention and resources brought to it. My discussion of this will be based around the Canadian context, where public healthcare is available, but has its limitations.

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#worldIBDday

Okay, so yesterday was World IBD Day, but I didn’t get a chance to post…

For those who aren’t aware, IBD stands for Inflammatory Bowel Disease, a blanket term used for chronic auto-immune diseases that occur in the digestive tract. There are three forms of IBD: Crohn’s disease, Ulcerative colitis, and Indeterminate colitis. The main differences between the three are where in the tract the disease lives. Crohn’s can be active in the entire tract, colitis in the lower tract, and indeterminate is what happens when they can’t decide which of the first two you fall into.  I am one of 200,000 Canadians living with IBD, and since yesterday was about raising awareness I thought I’d take a minute to share my story.

It starts back in November 2001. I remember sitting in 10th grade English class when I first felt the pain in my stomach. I was 14 years old, and aside from being a little overweight had never had any health issues. The stomach ache continued for weeks, and when my mom took me to the doctor they said it was just nerves.

Over the next year and a half I became progressively sicker. By early 2003 the pain was debilitating. I dropped from 170 lbs to 115 lbs. My hair was falling out in clumps, my teeth were beginning to rot, and my eyesight was deteriorating. I slept nearly 20 hours a day. I had to go to the emergency room every other week to receive IV fluids because my body could no longer retain anything.

Ironically, with the weight loss, I’d frequently hear “Oh you lost weight! You look great!” because of course that’s what happens.

During 2002 the doctor tested me for numerous food intolerance’s. I spent 3 months off of dairy, 3 months off of gluten, 3 months off of sugar, but nothing made a difference. Stumped, my doctor sent me to McMaster to see a specialist.

In early 2003 I sat down with a pediatric gastroenterologist who asked me questions for about an hour. And at the end he said “you have either Crohn’s Disease or Ulcerative Colitis and we’ll do a test to find out which”. Those words meant nothing to me at the time, but he gave me some reading to do and the next week, at age 16, I had my first colonoscopy.

The specialist brought me back in a day or so after the scope to confirm that I did have Ulcerative Colitis and prescribe me Prednisone, explaining it’s long list of side effects. I went home, hopeful that this nightmare was over.

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

After a month of taking Prednisode with still worsening symptoms I was back at McMaster where I learned that my digestive system was so damaged that my body was simply unable to absorb anything I ingested. The only option would be to admit me to the hospital and be treated intravenously. I was admitted to the hospital and after about a week the stomach ache I’d had for 18 months eased up. For the first time in over a year I wasn’t rushing to the bathroom every hour. I was even able to look at food without becoming nauseous!

After several days of steady improvement I transitioned from IV to oral Prednisone and was released. There was nowhere to go but up!

Except, maybe… not quite?

Less than a week after being home I awoke in the middle of the night with severe chest pain and was rushed to the hospital. I was in the ICU for a few days, following a “cardiac event”, which I’d learn years later was a side effect of the Prednisone. It would be the first in a decade long struggle I’d have with treatment side effects.

You see, they don’t really know much about IBD. They know that for some unknown reason people’s immune systems rev up and begin to attack the digestive tract, but without knowing why, they don’t have many options to stop it. So the most common treatment is to suppress the immune system down to a level that it’s simply unable to attack. Great for ridding you of the pesky IBD symptoms, but horrible for helping your body fight literally anything else. As a result I caught every virus I came into contact with. And I’d not only catch every virus, I’d get way sicker than whoever I caught it from.

Living in a dorm during my first year of university and being in immunosuppressants was an especially bad combination. In the spring there was a virus going around residence that actually landed me in the hospital. I then caught another virus that was going around the hospital, which resulted in me being in a quarantined ward room of a foreign hospital. Fun times!

In 2013, nearly a decade after starting the immunosuppressants the ongoing cold I’d had all those years morphed into recurrent pneumonia. This ended up being a sign that the medication I was on had caused blood poisoning, and eventual septicemia, landing me once again in the hospital, followed by four months of bed rest. Because the only way to resolve the blood poisoning was to go off of the immunosuppressant (which, fun fact, contain classified carcinogens), wait, and hope the colitis didn’t relapse.

And then I got lucky. The toxicity passed and I didn’t relapse, and have not been on any UC meds since 2013. Over the last few months I’ve started having some minor symptoms, and am going for a scope tomorrow to see how things are looking. I don’t think my UC has relapsed, and hopefully I’m correct, but I also know that my string of good luck on that front is due to end sometime. Hopefully that sometime is not now, because I’m not going to lie, I’m terrified of having to go back on the meds…

Updated To Add:

No relapse!

Iceland!

I landed in Reykjavik on a damp and overcast Friday morning last September. The small airport was filled with friendly staff to direct visitors, and I easily found my way to luggage claim and out to the parking lot. I joined a group of fellow travellers in the rain, and we wearily awaited the complimentary shuttle that would take us to the rental car offices.

Aside from forgetting my bag on the bus, every step from departing the plane to sitting in my lovely bright red rental car was smooth sailing. It was only 7am, and I found myself with nearly eight hours free before Orla’s flight from London was due to land. I didn’t know what adventure awaited me, but I was excited for it.

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My first stop that morning was the Blue Lagoon Geothermal Spa. A major tourist hot spot, it’s a short 20 minute drive from the airport. I quickly adapted to the new vehicle and narrow roads, and found myself pulling into the car park in no time at all. The property was well signed, offered ample parking, and a beautiful entrance way.

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A side note for anyone who is simply planning a layover in Reykjavik and not intending to stay- If you are able to arrange a 6-10 hour layover, take the opportunity to visit Blue Lagoon. There are frequent buses going to and from the airport to the spa, and they offer complimentary luggage storage.

The entrance fee felt a little steep to a budget traveller like myself (about $90 CAD), but I’d heard such wonderful things that I knew it was a must-see. And, really, how often does one find themselves in Iceland and able to visit a geothermal hot spring? Plus, the entry fee gives the guest access to the spa for the entire day, meaning I could spend the morning there, go and pick up Orla from the airport, and then return on the same ticket.

I spent about three hours solo at Blue Lagoon in the morning. I enjoyed floating in the near-empty pool, a refreshing silica mud mask, a sit in both the sauna and steam bath, a stand under the waterfall, and then a chill out in one of their relaxation areas (where I taught a lovely gentleman from Chicago how to use his cell phone abroad).

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By late morning I decided that I’d had enough spa time and decided to spend a couple of hours exploring. I hopped in my rental car and drove about 100km east along the southern coast towards Sulfoss. The landscape was wonderfully dramatic, and I found myself pulling to the side of the road every few minutes to get photos.

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After a couple of hours I headed back towards the airport and awaited Orla’s arrival. We hadn’t seen one another in about two years, so after a short reunion hug at the Arrivals gate we headed to the car and made our way back to Blue Lagoon. We spent hours and hours sitting in the pool, catching up, and people watching. By the time we emerged it was getting dark and our legs felt like they weighed 500 lbs!

From Blue Lagoon it was a one hour drive up to Reykjavik, where we’d booked a room at the  Flying Viking Guesthouse for the three nights we were in town. It was a wonderful property located right in the city centre. The proprietors, Hans and Elsa, had been incredibly helpful during the planning stages of the trip, providing me with ample information about area parking, sights, and much more.

On our second day we awoke early and headed out to drive the famed Golden Circle route. Our first stop was Þingvellir National Park, followed by Geysir and Strokkur geysers, and Gullfoss waterfall.

img_9950On the road to Þingvellir 

img_9982Strokkur, which erupts every 10-15 minutes

img_9993Just outside of Gullfoss

img_9994Gullfoss waterfall

With making frequent stops, the Golden Circle drive took us about 6 hours. We returned to Reykjavik in late afternoon and spent some time exploring the city centre and grabbing a delicious (though very expensive!) dinner before retiring for the evening.

To be continued…

 

It’s amazing the difference a year can make.

On a late night, one year ago, I decided that I was in too much pain to keep on living and that my existence was too burdensome on everyone around me. I had been dealing with ongoing suicidal thoughts for years, but in the months leading up to that night they’d become more and more intense.

I awoke the next morning in a psychiatric Form 3 hold at the hospital, with my parents sitting by my side. I remember feeling little more than numb through much of my two week stay in Unit 1M. And when I returned home I felt more discontented with life than ever before. I dropped out of my anxiety treatment program, stopped going to counselling, and tried to fade out of people’s lives.

Fortunately for me, I had a few amazing people in my life who wouldn’t stand for the latter. With their help I spent the summer slowly learning to live again and remembering so many of life’s little joys.

In late summer I set off for adventure, hoping that a bit of solo travel and space would help me regain some lost confidence. I spent three weeks driving under the Northern Lights in Iceland, boating through the Fjords in Norway, wandering the cobblestone streets in Denmark, and lounging with old friends in England. The trip gave me some much needed time for reflection and appreciation. For the first time I truly allowed myself to look at my life and the reasons for my unhappiness. The main one, I realized, was that I was scared.

In the autumn I came home determined to open myself up and conquer my fears. I took risks, faced new challenges, and found myself entering winter feeling something I had never truly felt before: Contentment.

And now, one year on, my life is virtually unrecognizable. I found a job that encompasses everything that I’ve ever wanted in a job. I fell in love with someone who makes me happier than I ever thought it was possible to be. I’ve started reaching out and attempting to mend broken relationships. And I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I’m not such a human disaster after all.

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#BellLetsTalk day has rolled around once again.

I’ve always tried to be open and honest about my struggles with mental illness, as I know how important open conversations are to ending the stigma. I used to write about my experiences regularly, but have found myself doing so less and less over the last couple of years. At first I simply wasn’t finding the exercise of writing as helpful as I had in the past. But last spring it became much more than that.
Late one night in June, after 10 years of inner turmoil, I became so overwhelmed with my anxiety and depression that I attempted to take my own life.
I then spent the next two weeks as an inpatient in the Mental Health unit of the new St. Catharines Hospital and can truly say that that was the worst week of my life. But probably not for the reasons you’re thinking…
Each day I was in there I would meet with my assigned psychiatrist, and each day he would make the same comment: “You’re a highly educated and well-travelled young woman. You’re not the type of person I should be seeing in here.”
I never knew how to respond to this. He used words like “typical” and “should” and I just didn’t understand. Educated people can and do have depressive disorders, and well-travlled people can and do have anxiety disorders. Who was he to tell me I shouldn’t be there, when the fact was, I WAS there. I was there, and in pain, and instead of being helped, I was made to feel like my thoughts and emotions were invalid. I was made to feel like I should have somehow been above mental illness.
In the end, I didn’t receive anything in the way of “treatment”. My medication was switched to something I’d been on previously, and I slept a lot, played cards with my dad, and then after a week was discharged.
I left the hospital feeling completely discouraged. Following my discharge I dropped out of the outpatient anxiety treatment program that I’d been taking part in for a year previously, stopped going to counselling, and never spoke to anyone about how the experience effected me.
(Until now.)
I spent the summer wallowing in self-pity and feeling like a complete failure, followed by an autumn spent travelling and learning to trust my own abilities again. Thankfully the latter worked, and I returned home feeling like maybe, just maybe, I could be okay eventually. I built up the nerve to take some big chances, as well as rid myself of a few bad habits.
For a long time I didn’t think I’d live to see my 30th birthday.
But I did make it to 30. I made it, and now when I think of the future it’s not a blank question mark, but filled with possibilities. And for the first time I in as long as I can remember, I want to be alive to see what happens.

Blue Monday

Yes, I know, Blue Monday isn’t really a thing. I’d never even heard of it until a few days ago when Cineplex emailed me about their half price Blue Monday cinema ticket deals (which I totally took advantage of, obviously). But now I’m seeing it all over social media, and thought I’d use it as an excuse to write a post.

A couple of noteworthy things since I last posted…

September

I went backpacking around… Iceland…

img_9909Blue Lagoon Geothermal Spa, Iceland

northernlightsheaderNorthern Lights, Pingveller National Park, Iceland

…England…

img_0345Greenwich, London

img_0350Dorking, Surrey

…Denmark…

img_0404Copenhagen, Denmark

… and Norway.

img_0584Fjord Tour, Bergen -> Oslo

img_0653Oslo

October

I celebrated my best friend’s birthday with a trip to Las Vegas.

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Said best friend then gifted me an early Christmas/Birthday present: A visit to the Grand Canyon.

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November

I went to NYC for the election.

Someone new came into my life.

I went on a handful of terrifying job interviews.

And now, here we are!

 

 

 

The Anxious Wanderer Returns, Take Two

In three short days I’ll be in a rental car driving the Golden Circle in Iceland. I’ll be flying there from Toronto tomorrow, and meeting one of my dearest friends in the world in Reykjavik. Following a few days in the land of ice we’ll be flying back to her home in London, and later I will continue my adventures solo around England, Denmark, and Norway.

While this certainly isn’t my first time heading off on a grand adventure, it will be the first time since my anxiety has become so severe. And that, for me, makes this one of the most important trips I’ll ever take.

To say that the past two years have been hell is an understatement. In that time I’ve been diagnosed with panic disorder, panic psychosis, and severe chronic depression. I’ve been through periods where I was unable to leave the house. I’ve experienced emotions so severe than I didn’t know how to cope with them. I’ve had difficulty maintaining friendships, employment, and my own physical health. And just a few months ago I had bout of depression and anxiety so severe that I tried to take my own life.

In this time I’ve been on a dozen different medications, seen countless doctors, counsellors, and nurses, and been admitted to several outpatient and inpatient mental health programs.

In moments of panic it feels like my mind has turned against me, and convinced me that danger lurks around every corner. My attacks, which had always been unpleasant experiences, have become unbearable episodes of sheer terror. The frequent fear and stress have become all consuming, and over the years has slowly chipped away at every aspect of my life.

Even in periods when the attacks, anxiety, and depression are less intense, I’ve discovered that it’s difficult to enjoy things I once loved, like theatre and travel. In the past few years these things have provided me with little more than fear and nausea. At one point I even thought that perhaps I’d just stop partaking, because what was the point?

But, at the end of day, I just couldn’t bring myself to give up my last semblance of hope. So in the spirit of ‘go big, or go home’, I’ve decided to get over my fears by visiting three countries I’ve never stepped foot into before (two of them on my own). I’m also giving myself London, because it’s the love of my life.

And I refuse to let my anxieties take it, or anything, away from me.

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Locked Up

Exactly one month ago I was released from the hospital after spending 7 days on a mandatory hold inside of the psychiatric unit. It was undoubtedly the worst week of my life, and the lowest point I’ve reached during my decade long struggle with mental illness.

During and following my hold I didn’t tell many people about what was happening. Partly because I was embarrassed and ashamed, and partly because I simply didn’t know how to talk about it. I still don’t, to be completely honest. But despite that, I’m writing now because I feel it’s important to say something. It may not be the correct thing, or what people want to hear, but the one thing I know is that keeping quiet out of shame only perpetuates stigma.

The ‘How?’ and the ‘Why?’ are likely what people most want to know, but are in my opinion the least important aspects of the story. While it was one rash and desperate decision that landed me in the hospital, the path leading up to it was a long and complicated one. My incarceration was 10 years of poor decisions in the making. Poor decision that I, for the first time, realize come from the fact that I simply don’t value my own life.

That revelation is in and of itself heavily complex. And along with it I also have my crippling anxiety, chronic depression, and unstable emotional responses to stress and upset. But I’ve come to learn that identifying and accepting issues is half the battle.

And as of tonight, that battle is not yet lost.